Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl