Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love