me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?