ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
She was REALLY feeling it.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
#MeanwhileinCanada
every. time.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care