Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.