Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Someone just threatened to call me later
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.