What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.