ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
my first day as a raccoon
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.