ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
S O O N
c’mon!