ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Every time.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…