Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
TRAIN’S HERE
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.