Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I’m about to risk it all
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*