Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”