Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
😂💯
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.