Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
how many bears make up a bear minimum
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug