*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
how long have you had this for?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*