me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
The devil.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Swedish for common sense.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The happy life.. 😊
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Sharon I have some bad news
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”