Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Britain be like
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.