*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.