[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
This is always good for a laugh.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”