Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls