Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.