Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream