boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
You Might Also Like
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it