ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?