ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.