I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.