Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”