ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but