me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.