Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?