Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Sniffing the broccoli
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.