Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Check your privilege
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
lumberjacks will cut a birch
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying