[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.