My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.