me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
You Might Also Like
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted