Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
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*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
This is painfully accurate 😅