Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head