Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
me working on my assignments ^-^
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.