I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun