@Jake_Vig: Police Officer: "Turn around!" Me: *sings* "Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round..."

@looktothepickle: Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people

@TheDairylandDon: Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.

@CoolCamel69: [picking out a washing machine] how many watermelons can this hold? "uhh I dunno, 11?" only 11? *keeps walking to next one* how many waterme

@awkwardphilippe: *walks in* Nope! *does a 360° and walks in further* Ah that's why I failed geometry