[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee