@Go2Slp: Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper. - The Lyin' King

@LackOfShame: [at gym] Him: How much do you bench? Me: Way less than I couch.

@loribuckmajor: During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

@FilmsWeWant: The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows. The system crashes on its own. The human race is saved by shitty programming.

@Caissie: I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."