People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I’d love this…lol