Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
mmm onion ringos
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?