Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.