Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.