Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.