Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
never compromise your values
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?