He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.