There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.