Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Perfect
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
There’s no “u” in narcissist
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.