ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Comparing yourself to others
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.